“Am I just plain stupid?” A question I used to constantly ask myself every lesson at school.
Growing up I always struggled to understand why I was always behind in lessons, and why I didn’t understand the work that was set to do during lesson time and for homework. No matter how much effort and energy I would put in trying to get ahead of the game and get the work done it was useless. My sisters used to help me with work and tutor me after school and during the school holidays but I felt like I was always stuck in the same cycle of not getting it.
At school, especially primary school I was labelled as a distraction to others, a chatterbox, always looking around and not concentrating or as someone who is never going to be successful or learn. But when it came to explaining what I was doing it was ignored, I would look around to see how everyone used to understand what the lesson was about and question why I wouldn’t get it… “I know I’m not dumb but now thinking about it more maybe I am?” – the thoughts that would cross my mind every day, every lesson.
I used to dread parents’ evening in primary school as everyone would, it always felt like constant badgering as if I was doing something wrong all the time, and my efforts were never spoken about. I already knew what the teacher had to say “Simran is a bright girl but…” There was always a ‘BUT’, followed by a negative comment or two.
Constantly made me feel out of place with my education, made felt dumb, stupid and not capable of succeeding academically.
In secondary school, I always overheard conversations from my peers and the word dyslexic constantly coming up but I never really knew what it meant nor did I ever look it up or question it. Coming from a South Asian, brown household things like this were never spoken about and even sometimes now in some households, it’s not spoken about. In some South Asian communities, your education defines how smart you are, you are either a successful know-it-all or you’re just plain lazy who doesn’t know anything.
My important years approached, my GCSE’s and the struggle was something else! No matter how much revision I put in, how many revision and support sessions I attended, voice recordings of my revision I listened to – nothing would stay in my mind. Every time the exam papers were handed out my mind would all jumble up and end up going blank. This was when I realised even more that exams weren’t for me, I wasn’t an exam person – I thought this had solved my problem but it didn’t.
I ended up passing Art and Business then resat my English and Maths in Sixth Form which was not great when my grades came out because again all those comments you’d hear during school, during parents’ evening, within the South Asian community crept up in my mind until I started Sixth Form. I constantly thought that one day I wouldn’t make it in university because I always thought I lacked in my education compared to everyone else around me and the comments I’d hear about myself but I was also determined to prove myself wrong. Worked hard in sixth form, and found that coursework was the best way forward. I put my head down and used the techniques that worked for me to get through the coursework and make it the best possible. The constant thoughts in my mind simmered down whilst in Sixth Form, maybe because I was doing a subject that I enjoyed and it didn’t require coursework or I was receiving more support – not quite sure but it all played a part and allowed me to achieve grades beyond my predicted grades.
I applied for university (something I never thought I would ever be able to do). I felt like I needed to prove a point to myself and everyone else that I was capable of being successful academically and I wasn’t a failure.
I got into university and did a course that I thought was the best and I would enjoy but I was wrong. It was nothing like I thought it would have been, the support lacked within that university and most days I would come back to my accommodation feeling dumb because I didn’t understand anything, “Here we go again, you aren’t capable of this academic life – you’re just too stupid for it”, the thoughts that would come into mind after each lecture and seminar. After a whole year on the course, I finally built up the courage to tell my parents that the course wasn’t for me and was unsure about what everyone else would have to comment on my decision. I decided the next best decision was to change course and university (the best decision ever!). I loved the new course I picked and the support at the new university was something else.
Again the word dyslexia came up a lot at university, I’d hear others on campus talking about it, in lectures. I took matters into my own hands and started questioning maybe I might be dyslexic. After a lot of researching about dyslexia and looking at ways of getting a diagnosis, I raised my concerns to the university explaining everything and they helped me every step of the way to get a diagnosis. From providing the dyslexia tests to providing me with a full in-depth report and results. I was so glad I found out why I struggled so much during school, I was relieved – all the thoughts and comments in my head just vanished and no longer mattered to me because I finally found out who I am academically.
The extra support the university put in place for my education was amazing and allowed me to feel normal again throughout my degree and eliminate all those comments and thoughts I had and heard throughout the years of my education from teachers and others in the South Asian Community. In the end, I managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Arts and not be ashamed of being dyslexic but instead educate and raise awareness among others about dyslexia, especially within the South Asian Community.
Being dyslexic doesn’t stop you from achieving your dreams! don’t allow others’ comments and thoughts to put you down but instead educate them on what dyslexia is and how it should be spoken more about in the South Asian Community. I have managed to get a degree and landed a job in my dream career, Marketing.
“Dyslexia affects everyone differently. It is estimated that approximately 10% of the population is dyslexic meaning that’s nearly over 6.7 million stories that need to be told. Each person is unique and so is everyone’s experience of dyslexia.” – British Dyslexia Association
I am Dyslexic and brown.
Simran Kaur – HR&OD Business Solutions (Marketing)